Ferber when siblings share a room

The baby’s crib is against one wall and your preschooler’s bed is against the other. You are ready to try the Ferber method, but you keep picturing Night 1: the baby crying, your older child sitting up asking why, and nobody sleeping at all.

You can do the Ferber method when siblings share a room. The plan needs a little extra setup. Most families stagger bedtimes so the baby falls asleep first, prepare the older child for some crying, keep check-ins short and quiet, and keep the baby’s crib safe from well-meaning big-sibling help. Some families also move the older child out for the first few nights, then bring them back once the baby is settling.

Will the crying wake your older child?

Often less than you expect. Raising Children Network, an Australian parenting resource, notes that older children usually sleep through when babies cry at night. Kids who have shared a room with a baby for a while have often already learned to tune out the night noises.

The trickier time is usually bedtime, when the older child is still awake, curious and sometimes upset on the baby’s behalf. That is the part worth planning.

If your older child is a light sleeper, has their own sleep troubles, or needs to be up early for school, it is reasonable to protect their sleep for the hardest nights. Nights 1 to 3 are often the loudest, as our article on why Night 2 or 3 can be worse explains.

Three ways to set up the room

There is no single right setup. Pick the one that fits your home and your older child.

Stagger bedtimes in the shared room. Raising Children Network suggests staggering children’s bedtimes. Many families put the baby down first, run the method until the baby is asleep, then bring the older child in quietly. If your baby goes to bed later, the reverse can work: older child down first, baby later, with the older child already asleep or used to the routine.

Move the older child out for a few nights. A temporary bed in another room, on a camp bed or a mattress on the floor, can feel like a special treat for a few nights. Bring them back once the baby is falling asleep with little crying, often after the first several nights. Tell them the plan in advance and give it an end date.

Move the baby out for the training week. If the older child’s room is the more settled one, the baby’s crib or a play yard can go in another room for the week. The trade-off is that the baby then has to adjust to the shared room again afterward, so some families prefer to train in the room the baby will keep.

If your baby is under 6 months, the AAP recommends room sharing with a parent, with the baby in their own crib or bassinet, for at least the first 6 months. Talk to your pediatrician before starting any sleep training at this age. Six months is a common starting point, and sleep training is not recommended before about 4 months.

Preparing your older child

A child who knows what is coming is much less likely to get upset or try to help. Keep the explanation short and matched to their age:

• “The baby is learning to go to sleep by themselves. They might cry a bit. That’s okay. Mom and Dad will check on them.”
• Tell them what to do if the baby cries: stay in bed, and you will take care of it.
• Ask them not to talk to, sing to or hand things to the baby during the night.

Some older siblings like having a job, such as being the one who says “goodnight baby” at the end of the routine. Raising Children Network suggests giving other children something to do while you settle the baby, and making sure each child gets some one-on-one time at bedtime. A few minutes with the older child once the baby is down can make the week feel less like it is all about the baby.

In the morning, praise the older child for staying in bed while the baby was crying.

Safety in a shared room

A shared room has a few extra hazards to check before Night 1.

A few more things to check:

• No shared bed. Safe to Sleep says a baby should not share a sleep surface with an adult, another child or a pet. However sweet it looks, the baby does not nap or sleep in the sibling’s bed.
• Anchor furniture. Raising Children Network advises securing furniture to walls or floors so it cannot be pulled over or tipped.
• Small toys and pieces. Building bricks, beads and other small toys from the older child’s side of the room should be out of the baby’s reach, and out of the crib.

The AAP safe sleep guide has the full checklist.

Running check-ins without waking everyone

The steps of the method do not change. Put your baby down drowsy but awake, leave, and check in after the waits on the Ferber chart if they are still crying. The Sleep Foundation suggests keeping check-ins under one to two minutes, with a soft voice or a pat, without picking the baby up.

In a shared room, a few small changes help:

• Keep the lights off and use a dim hall light if you need to see.
• Whisper your words. The same short phrase each time, quietly enough that it does not become a conversation with the older child.
• Do not rush in at every sound. The AAP says it is normal for a 6-month-old to wake at night and go back to sleep after a few minutes, and advises not to rush in to soothe a crying baby. A fussing baby in a shared room does not need a visit.
• One adult does check-ins. If the older child also calls for you, the other adult can handle that, quietly, from outside the room if possible.

If your baby is unwell, teething badly, vomiting or has a fever, pause the plan and comfort them, and call your pediatrician if you are worried.

One step for this week

Decide which setup you will use and tell your older child the plan a day or two before Night 1. Clear the crib of anything that has migrated from the sibling’s side of the room. If you have twins in the mix, our article on the Ferber method with twins covers running one plan for two babies.

The Ferber app times the waits and check-ins for you, which helps when you are also listening for an older child in the same room.

Common questions

Can I do the Ferber method if my baby shares a room with an older sibling?

Yes. Many families stagger bedtimes so the baby goes down first, prepare the older child for some crying, and keep check-ins quiet. Some move the older child to another room for the first few nights of the method and bring them back once the baby is settling.

Will the baby's crying keep my older child awake?

Often less than parents fear. Raising Children Network notes that older children usually sleep through when babies cry at night. If the crying does keep waking an older sibling, a temporary move for the hardest nights can help.

Should the baby or the older child go to bed first?

Either can work. Many families put the baby down first and bring the older child in once the baby is asleep. Others put the older child down first if the baby's bedtime is later. Pick the order that lets the baby fall asleep in a quiet room.

Can my baby sleep in the same bed as their sibling?

No. Safe to Sleep advises against a baby sharing a sleep surface with an adult, another child or a pet. Your baby should sleep on their back in their own crib or play yard, with nothing in it but a fitted sheet.

Sources

1. Raising Children Network: Kids sharing a bedroom with baby siblings
2. NICHD Safe to Sleep: Safe Sleep Environment
3. American Academy of Pediatrics (HealthyChildren.org): A Parent's Guide to Safe Sleep
4. American Academy of Pediatrics (HealthyChildren.org): Getting Your Baby to Sleep
5. Sleep Foundation: The Ferber Method